The Invisible String

     I am happy. I am complete. I have my family and I have love, but I remember when I didn’t.  I remember when I was lost. Lost to who I was, where I came from, and who I stood for and wanted to become.  How did I begin this journey to finding myself?  Did the universe put all the pieces together for me or was I fighting to find the truth? The answers came to me in ways I never thought possible.  In a community I at first found difficult to trust, but a community I would come to realize that shared my struggles.  Those very people are the ones who listened to me and empathized my struggles.  They gave me the answers to the questions I was seeking.  

     I never saw it coming.  The day that I found out that I was adopted is one I will never forget.  I knew that I was different from everyone in my family, but I couldn’t understand why.  We had such different interests, saw the world in different ways, and wanted different things out of life.  But the day that I opened the giant cabinet in the living room and played the tape that said “Sergy” triggered my journey into wanting to know who I was.  The little boy who begged my adoptive parents on camera to adopt him so he could be with his sister remained hidden from me for years.  At first I was confused; my American family never told me I was adopted.  But once I understood what had happened, I became furious with them and distanced myself further from them.  I didn’t believe a word they said and resented them for lying to me.  Because I couldn’t trust my family, I really couldn’t trust others around me.  Whenever I asked them about my biological family, they would get upset and refrain from telling me anything.  I did not know how much I was hurting them at the time, but I also did not care.  I was very determined to find out who I was. 

     My abandonment fears had other plans for me.  I became a people pleaser— Doing anything I could so people would like me, even if it meant not being myself.  My persona was happy, carefree, and interested in being accepted.  I yearned to be accepted by those around me. I would establish friendships and as a result, my friendships would flop because the person I wanted to be friends with didn’t understand me.  I had realized that I was the only adopted individual that lived around my area, and this affected me greatly because no one could understand my pain.  As a result, I stopped wanting to talk to people, I cut myself off, and I embraced depression and solitude as a means of escape.  Being alone was easier than putting forth the energy to try to have a friend who didn’t know me at all and was going to leave me anyway.  

     I kept up this pattern until I was contacted by a woman on Facebook who helped my adoptive brother find his family.  I gave what little information I had because I wanted to believe that someone would help me.  She did not disappoint.  Before I knew it, I received a message that contained my biological brother’s VK account (which is similar to Facebook in the U.S.) and his contact information.  I jumped at the opportunity and discovered it was actually him!  We facetimed and I was so happy that I couldn’t say anything at all.  I met my biological mother and began a relationship with my biological family.  It turns out that they had also been looking for me for years.  Even though I was millions of miles away, my brother and I had were similar personality wise.  We both had a similar view of life, even though his was way more positive than mine.  It was amazing to find out who I was really and where certain traits both personality wise and physically came from.  I now feel that the void that existed inside me has closed significantly and even though I have more questions, I found what really mattered to me, who I am.

Thank you genuinely to all who have read this post.  My story, although it is one of feeling betrayed, is about how I found my family.  I did not have the financial means to hire a private investigator to help me, and I got lucky when I was contacted.  I am writing this in hopes that others who are adopted who feel the way that I have felt find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  I encourage those individuals, or anyone looking for a family member, to join groups, reach out, and keep the hope.  We all have family and relatives that are looking for us and who are waiting to find us.  It’s time to finally take that first step. 

I am also currently writing a book about my story in its entirety called, “The Invisible String.”  I look forward to publishing it one day.