The Art That's Hard To Teach: The Beginning

     I always say that we meet each other for a reason, sometimes we just don't understand what that reason is until we are no longer around.  I had all the hopes and expectations in the world at the time.  I was young and emotionally vulnerable, just wanting to be liked by those around me.  You found me and made me feel safe, a feeling that I was naive to and was excited for.  It was a beautiful summer day, I remembered meeting you once before, and pretty soon we were talking, hanging out, and dating.  My world was perfect at the time, I had some one I cared about and someone who I thought wanted to be with me during my time at University.  I never imagined the events that would unfold, the betrayal that was waiting for me and the anger and hurt that would follow.
     I had first noticed a change when you began to get angrier over little things, what outfits I wore or how I wore my makeup.  We would fight and bicker like a war, yelling at each other as everyone else in the dorm could hear us. You had to follow me everywhere-literally to the point where you started taking the same classes as me.  I was never alone-except for a public bathroom.  I didn't realize it at the time, but you were overly jealous of every other person-although you were so good at hiding that, no one else saw it.  One night, we were probably fighting about me having female friends you didn't like, and you threw things and hit yourself first.  I had never seen anything like it-and I had seen a lot.  You made me do this and It's because of you that I feel this way were all too common responses.  I believed you.  That made it even worse.  I believed that it was my fault, when I hadn't done anything wrong at all.  Day in, day out I made excuses to why you put me down-agreeing with you that I was to blame and I was stupid.  I even stopped going to class and almost got kicked out of school, because I became afraid and depressed.  And then, you started hitting me over things like me trying to talk back to you.  It gradually got worse-and you saw nothing wrong with that.  You wouldn't stop until I was more of an enemy to myself than I had ever been in the past.
     My mom cared about my grades and had no idea what was going on-I refused to tell her at the time.  How did you get that bruise Katie? Don't worry mom, I fell, but Im okay.  I traveled home weekends to try to improve my grades and I'm not going to lie, being away from you was amazing, because I could finally breathe-sort of.  Even from miles away you managed to make me feel guilty I wasn't there.  And then you began to hang out with my friends.  When you hit me for the very last time and I tried to go to them, you manipulated them into thinking that I was the crazy one.  Now THAT  is an art that's hard to teach and in retrospect one of the most evil manipulative things I have ever seen in my entire lifetime.   I was home.  I was actually home doing my schoolwork as you were getting my best friend forcibly drunk and pregnant.  When I realized without you telling me what happened-I stayed silent and tried to support my friend, because she didn't say it was his.  When it all came undone-I will never forget that scene of you literally following me, threatening me, cursing me, and flipping me off as my friend and I made our way to the cafeteria.  I gathered up the courage to confront you at the table and all you could say was you're a B. Oh, and by the way, I f-ed your best friend.  All I could say was I know you did.  I was more hurt that she didn't tell me, because I out of everyone knew his true form-a monster.  My friend was too distraught and told me the details and that she didn't want to deal with this anymore because it was too stressful.
     I was angry, I was disgusted, and I felt betrayed.  You followed me to my dorm room, shoved the door open, and screamed at me.  And yet, I felt bad.  You played me so well and I was so stupid that I even got back together with you after you did something like this.  And I kept working at my house, while you kept cheating on me.  You would be over her dorm during the day and come back to me at night.  I knew something was up and it wasn't hard to figure out with your track record.  I saw the hearts in the messages and found the other girl.  I was scared for her and tried to warn her. But you manipulated her SO well that she didn't believe me even though I showed her bruises.  I had no choice but to live in fear.  That night with you is one I will never remember sleeping, but I will always remember where I woke up.  You had done a real number on me, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  And even after the bones healed, you still tried to come after me.  But I was so dead inside I felt nothing and wanted to be around no one-especially you.  You can make all the fake Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr accounts you want, and I will always ignore you.
     This is a true story about an ex boyfriend who was abusive in every way and who I almost let destroy me.  I was so angry with him that for a while in my life, I couldn't move on.  In what world would I have been able to forgive or forget? At the time, I thought there was no such world.  I was unable to forgive or forget and this had a series of consequences that followed me for the next few years.  I tried to forget, but because I couldn't forgive, this was still in the front of my mind taking up space.  I tried to forgive, but because I couldn't forget what happened I angrily lived inside my own world disconnected from reality.
     It took me a long time to heal.  I am now with someone  I love, someone who respects me, loves me, understands me, and respects me.  I have learned the difference between forgetting to just move on from it and forgiving to heal from it. Please see the life lessons I have learned from this here.

To all those who are reading this who are experiencing it, please know you are not alone.  I know just how hard it is to get out and how scary it can be.  There are resources that can help you, please use them.

If you or anyone you know is in a situation with an abuser please call 
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Blogger Recognition Award

Find Yourself: It's A Journey!

I Am A Writer. And I Chose This Struggle.