By A Thread

    The sun creeps in through the window trying to wake you up, yet you are unable to move.  As you look around your room, all you can see is grey, except for these few rays of sunshine that are desperately trying to touch you.  You turn on your side, unmotivated to greet the morning as it continues entering your room, illuminating the grey areas.  You're stuck.  It’s like you are chained into your bed and all you can do is stare at the ceiling for a good hour and think about the negatives.  These thoughts are your only friends, no one else understands you- or at least it seems this way.  So you make as minimal contact with others as you can.  When your mother calls to you from downstairs, you know you have to move, because she can not know how you are trapped in your feelings.  You slowly emerge from your bed, it’s a struggle.  It feels as if something is pressing down on you begging you to stay.  But you push on, and after some time, you finally gather the strength to make your way to the bathroom.  With each step an unknown force makes it harder for you to move, holding onto your legs and torso.  But you finally make it to the bathroom.  It is here that you see yourself- ugly, unwanted, and fat even though you are only 100 lbs and you can see your own bones.  You get lost in the reflection, staring at it’s imperfections intently as you begin to put on your face for the day.  It is a face that you don’t even recognize, but you know it is one that will shield how you are feeling inside.  You continue on with your process, masking your eating disorder with baggy clothes and covering any scars with makeup to hide your struggles.  Each step downstairs gets harder and harder, but you must act— after all, you are constantly on a stage.  No one can know what is going on inside your mind, they wouldn't understand.  Who needs to eat breakfast when you are so fat right? Instead, you pick your meal that will last the entire day— a yogurt.  You carry on knowing that your shadow hangs these options for you to choose when you decide to throw it all away.  You move throughout your day as a stranger to yourself but as a carefree, happy individual to others.  Except for the eating disorder, no one would really know there was a war going on in your mind.  You are able to sell a facade and make them believe you are alright.  They even begin to like you and want to be your friend.  But you know better than to trust others— remember, in your mind they would just leave you anyways, so what is the point of even trying?  Your family thinks it's "just a phase," and that "you will get over it."  But you know better.  As a result, you cut yourself off from those who care the most about you.  After a painfully long day of using your energy to pretend everything is alright, you are exhausted.  You don’t know how much longer you can keep up this lie.  And you do the only thing you think provides you with a means of escape, you attempt escaping the pain and almost succeed for the third time.  It took many years of therapy for me to recover.  And in the interim, I became mute and I fell in love with being alone.  But it was here that I focused on my self growth and found the strength to be the person I am today.

    The above is a true story about some of the struggles with depression and eating disorders I have encountered.  This blog post is partnering with By A Thread to spread mental health awareness and provide a light to those who are suffering mentally.  According to their statistics, did you know that “about 30,000 people die by suicide each year in The United States and an estimated 26.6% of Americans 18 and older suffer from mental disorders?” This means that we each know at least 1 person who is their own worst enemy in their own minds.  When I stumbled upon their page, this quote resonated with me, “If our small moving part in this world can start a chain of positive events in someone’s life, that will be the greatest reward.”  I began to think about my life during that dark period and how people’s small acts of kindness helped me to overcome my depression and eating disorder.  There is a certain negative stigma around those who carry these issues— whether it’s anxiety disorder, eating disorders, depression, or any other mental health issues.  Thankfully, we as a society have carried on and continued to encourage others to become more accepting and have offered more ways than therapy or inpatient care to help individuals.  Now, we look to different forms of therapy such as music and art therapy, meditation, writing, and other outlets that encourage a positive outlook and genuinely help individuals to have the strength to fight their own demons.  When I stumbled upon By A Thread’s website, it became so much more to me than a site that was selling bracelets to promote mental health issues.  It became a voice for those who couldn’t speak, and potentially it became a platform for those who do suffer to see that they aren’t alone.  I purchased bracelets that show my struggle with mental health issues and eating disorder issues.  I am proud to wear them and share my story in hopes that those who feel alone can see that there are many of us who understand just how hard it can be.  

To those who struggle, please know that you are not alone.  There is always a light in the darkest of times, even if we can’t see it right away.

     

If you are suicidal or know anyone who is, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

Call 1-800-273-8255

Check out By A Thread’s Page and support their mission to spread mental health awareness through their products.  It is a great read as well and genuinely eye opening.