TranscendingThoughts

     I always say that we meet each other for a reason, sometimes we just don't understand what that reason is until we are no longer around.  I had all the hopes and expectations in the world at the time.  I was young and emotionally vulnerable, just wanting to be liked by those around me.  You found me and made me feel safe, a feeling that I was naive to and was excited for.  It was a beautiful summer day, I remembered meeting you once before, and pretty soon we were talking, hanging out, and dating.  My world was perfect at the time, I had some one I cared about and someone who I thought wanted to be with me during my time at University.  I never imagined the events that would unfold, the betrayal that was waiting for me and the anger and hurt that would follow.      I had first noticed a change when you began to get angrier over little things, what outfits I wore or how I wore my makeup.  We would fight and bicker like a war, yelling at each other as everyone else in the dorm

     I never thought I was a person worthy of being remembered.  All my life, I wanted to just blend in with everyone else and mind my own business with as little interaction as possible.  Spending the energy to maintain a conversation was exhausting, and I couldn't keep up.  When did I become this way?  So distant, so unwilling to embrace journeys, and so afraid to speak to others?  I could only do what I knew how to... stand in the corner of a crowded room and watch people.  I must have looked like some kind of freak, not saying a word to anyone.  Some tried to come up to talk to me, but by the time I gathered the courage to say something, they left without saying anything at all.  And all I could think was, am I a person others will remember?      Even though I already knew the answer to this question, I didn't acknowledge it at the time.  Instead, I remained in my corner and people watched.  I wanted to pick out the people in my mind who would be memorable.  So, I broke i

     While I was struggling to readjust to society after inpatient care and finding myself through solitude and meditation, I did not realize just how hard that would be.   Conversations took a lot of energy, so I usually just listened and did not say much.   It was during this time that I realized the relationship between a speaker’s intention while speaking and the listener’s perception of what they think the other’s intention is.        People, I noticed, are quick to try to figure out another individual- this means another’s intentions.   When we first speak to a person we look at tone, body language, and eye contact.   When people began a conversation with me, they noticed that I was shy, more cut off from wanting a conversation, and eye contact was harder for me. These three things alone helped others prejudge my intentions.   They perceived me as not wanting to have a conversation even though that was not my intention at the time.   I was just trying to gather the co

     I am happy. I am complete. I have my family and I have love, but I remember when I didn’t.   I remember when I was lost. Lost to who I was, where I came from, and who I stood for and wanted to become.   How did I begin this journey to finding myself?   Did the universe put all the pieces together for me or was I fighting to find the truth? The answers came to me in ways I never thought possible.   In a community I at first found difficult to trust, but a community I would come to realize that shared my struggles.   Those very people are the ones who listened to me and empathized my struggles.   They gave me the answers to the questions I was seeking.        I never saw it coming.   The day that I found out that I was adopted is one I will never forget.   I knew that I was different from everyone in my family, but I couldn’t understand why.   We had such different interests, saw the world in different ways, and wanted different things out of life.   But the day that I opene

    The sun creeps in through the window trying to wake you up, yet you are unable to move.   As you look around your room, all you can see is grey, except for these few rays of sunshine that are desperately trying to touch you.   You turn on your side, unmotivated to greet the morning as it continues entering your room, illuminating the grey areas.   You're stuck.   It’s like you are chained into your bed and all you can do is stare at the ceiling for a good hour and think about the negatives.   These thoughts are your only friends, no one else understands you- or at least it seems this way.   So you make as minimal contact with others as you can.   When y our mother calls to you from downstairs, you know you have to move, because she can not know how you are trapped in your feelings.   You slowly emerge from your bed, it’s a struggle.   It feels as if something is pressing down on you begging you to stay.   But you push on, and after some time, you finally gather the streng

     I have always been a person who has kept my distance from people. I always wanted to have friends and yet, I was unable to attain them- or at least that’s how I felt.   I did not think I was deserving of friendships, because I always felt like they would leave me anyways or they were just tolerating me. This mentality has haunted me throughout my life and continues to impact me.   How do we mend what has been shattered?   I have always agreed that trust is earned, it is not given.        From a young age, I have always had a distrust of people.   After spending time in solitude and wanting to understand myself better , I have come to the realization that it is because I was adopted and did not understand why.   I lived my life feeling that everyone was deceiving me.   I would form these friendships and I did not have the ability to know how to be a good friend, which often resulted in me losing the friendship.   The worst part is for many years, I did not understand why ot